one of the many perks at working at the gas station is being taken advantage for being the new girl, and today my coworker came to work three hours late, i also had to go to work an hour early because another coworker was sick. which means i worked 11 hours and a half hour. oh and also, did i mention i work night shift? and not sleeping enough always fucks me up and my emotions are all over the place so when i came home and looked into the mirror i wept for an hour because i just could not get over how huge my thighs were. i started punching myself because i still do not know how to handle my emotions. i have the biggest bruises and a red cheek. i just felt like i deserved being beaten up for being so fat. i eventually had to call my boyfriend and just talk to someone who cared.
having a eating disorder, being sleep deprived and unable to control my emotions without self harming is always fun. but seriously, you guys, lately i’ve only been working out five or four times a week, it literally feels embarrassing telling you guys because that just doesn’t feel enough. i feel ashamed for not having worked out more. i have to start working out six/seven times a week again. obviously cutting down on exercise isn’t making me feel good.
I feel as though I’m living in a phase of my life that was supposed to be something but it turned out to be something of a no man’s land of opportunities, experiences, excitement. I live the same week over and over again and wait for the weekend. I want to be able to find something I can pour my heart and soul into every day and love. Something meaningful, exciting, I don’t know where I am.